Tag Archives: Missourah

Never Sleep. Remember to Breathe Deep

23 May

Yeah, I know, Mountain Goats blah blah blah but this is currently my favorite song.  Holy fuck, it’s good.

Also, I’d like to warn my beloved bloggy friends that if I see any comments about red staters being dumb and voting against their interests with regards to this, there will be murders.  My mother’s co-worker lost her husband a couple of weeks ago in a tornado that touched down near her home in Tennessee.  My hometown was hit by a tornado about 11 years ago, and a lot of people lost their homes and businesses. I grew up about 60 miles west of Joplin and I’ve been there a countless number of times (they’re about 4 times bigger and they had a mall!).

Yes, there are plenty of people concentrated in red states who vote against their own interests and believe really horrible things, but there are also plenty of people who don’t, and who fight against hate and retrofuck attitudes. I’m sure that quite a few victims of this latest tornado believe(d) in anthropogenic global warming. I know (believe me, I KNOW) that it’s fucking frustrating as HELL to see a small minority fuck shit up, but USAians in general are a small minority who have benefited most from fossil fuels and will probably suffer the fewest consequences.

/lecture mode

On the upside, my mother tells me that she’s heard several people who would normally be all “ALGORE is FAT” have made comments about how this weather isn’t normal and maybe there’s something to this whole global warming thing. Maybe the weather these past 6-7 months will change people’s minds before it’s too late.

I Get Letters

10 Apr

Dear Katie:

Thank you for contacting me about funding for Planned Parenthood.

I am deeply opposed to the practice of abortion and do not support federal funding for any organization that performs or promotes abortions, which includes Planned Parenthood. An unborn child is a living human being and abortion ends the life of that child. Throughout my time in the House I worked hard to protect the lives of the unborn.

In 2004, I led the effort to enact the bipartisan Laci and Conner’s Law, which treats a crime against an unborn child as a separate offense in criminal cases. This law addressed the murder case in California in which Laci Peterson and her unborn son, Conner, were murdered. I am proud to have the highest possible pro-life voting record according to National Right to Life, and, as I begin my time in the Senate, I will continue to support efforts to make adoption more attractive for parents and prohibit the use of taxpayer dollars to pay for abortion.

Again, thank you for contacting me.  I look forward to continuing our conversation on Facebook (www.facebook.com/SenatorBlunt) and Twitter (www.twitter.com/RoyBlunt) about the important issues facing Missouri and the country.  I also encourage you to visit my website (blunt.senate.gov) to learn more about where I stand on the issues and sign-up for my e-newsletter.

Sincere regards,
Roy Blunt
United States Senator

Dear Fuckwit:

You’re welcome. Thank YOU for having staff who have the uncanny ability to respond to my letters and petitions with poorly-written form emails that state the obvious just when I’ve forgotten that I’m righteously angry at your stupid ass, causing me to do the following:

  1. remember that Roy fucking Blunt is my senator and feel the proper dismay and disgust yet again;
  2. think “Jesus CHRIST, the Carnahan campaign was terrible. Did he pay them off?”;
  3. examine whether it was likely that Missouri could have two Democratic women in the Senate anyway,
  4. and say to myself, “Wait. I live in Missouri. What the fuck?”

I also appreciate your unwavering commitment to the principle that women should be forced to bear children against their will, as well as your unwillingness to come to any sort of compromise on this issue even if it costs the health and lives of poor women across this great nation. Some people might say that this sort of inflexibility and devotion to your moral beliefs borders on fanaticism, but that’s ridiculous, as you’re obviously not brown a serious, reasonable, compassionate conservative.

Regarding your effort to enact Laci and Conner’s Law…um, thanks? I’d think that a more effective solution would be to advocate for funding the programs that assist women in leaving abusive relationships and make it possible for them to support themselves economically, but I’m sure that this law will cause many a sick fuck to think once or twice before murdering his pregnant partner. He might even decide to wait to kill her until after the baby is born. Sounds like a win/win to me!

Finally, while Facebook, Twitter, and your newsletter may give the illusion that you actually give a shit about my rights as IF THIS WERE AN ACTUAL DEMOCRACY, I’ve been trying to cut down on the daily reminders that my fellow Lady-Parted Americans (especially the poor ones) and I are considered subhuman by a large portion of our population. Yes, I know, aspiring to have a maximum of ten reminders a day that I am only good for being fucked and incubating babies is probably naively optimistic, but a girl’s gotta start somewhere.

Sincere regards,

Katie/Truculent A. Unreliable
United States Walking Vagina

Show Me Dumbassery

1 Apr

I think we’ve already established that I live in a shithole, right?

Four members of the Missouri State Senate have been filbustering legislation that would allow the state to accept federal money to extend unemployment benefits. The senate adjourned yesterday without passing it, making it the only state in the union to be SO FUCKING SHITTY AND DUMB THAT THEY’RE WILLING TO LET PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HOMES AND STARVE FOR A MERE FUCKING GESTURE THAT DOES NOTHING TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT.

The filibuster effort was lead by Jim Lembke (R-Doucheville), who is a lovely, LOVELY example of a bug-eyed, crazed “human” and would be cleaning the floors at White Castle with his toothbrush in a just world. Instead, he’s out there drawing a government salary and bitching about red light cameras. Because paying a $100 fine for an easily-avoidable offense is TOTES more distressing than being chronically unemployed and not able to feed your kids.

BONUS STALKER CLUE: This woman is my age? And what the fucking fuck? This is not normally the type of person who runs for office here.  There has been a noticeable change in the culture in the last few years from what it was like when I moved here in 2004. I’m sad that this little college town has become an evangelical asshole haven and why the fuck do good bands so rarely stop here anymore? And is more than one independent bookstore or at least one that is larger than my apartment too much to ask for? Really?

UPDATE: My friend just pointed out her blog’s name. Since when did “dittohead” become something to be proud of?

It’s Deyud!

15 Mar

Cunningham Drops Child Labor Proposal

The urchins are safe.

Now can we go back to more important things, like making fun of this woman’s hair?

 

I Live in a Shithole

9 Mar

Okay, not completely. There’s  a lot of beautiful scenery here, and we have toilets that flush and everything.

This state has always had its kooky conservatives, but after last year’s election, they have a much louder voice than ever. And they’re using it in really atrocious and embarrassing ways. They have:

1.  Passed a bill in the House that would require that driving tests are administered in English only. Because if you don’t speak American, you’re probably too stupid to drive.

2. Introduced a bill to curtail child labor laws. I have already discussed this (and Angry Black Lady totes stole my bit, because you KNOW I was the only one who thought of Oliver Twist), but again, I have to say: SERIOUSLY? What the fuck is this fucking Gilded Age retrofuck bullshit? I cannot imagine that this bill reflects the wishes of most of Jane Cunningham’s constituents. Em.barass.ing.

3. Proposed a constitutional amendment in the Senate which would initiate a “fair tax” that would eliminate corporate income taxes in 2013 and completely eliminate all income taxes by 2018. Sales taxes would be raised and levied on goods/services that aren’t normally taxed, including medical care (because God knows that’s not expensive enough already). It’s not going to pass, but the fact that these fucking idiots are wasting their time and everyone else’s, not to mention TAXPAYER MONEY on useless, insane bullshit like this drives me fucking batty.

4. Pushed for the modification of an anti-puppy mill law that was overwhelmingly approved by Missouri voters. The re-written law would (among other measures) lift the current 50-dog limit and decriminalize violations. According to the sponsor of the bill that proposes the changes, “The way Prop B was when it was passed originally would have destroyed the industry.”

How DARE a majority of voters deprive these patriotic, upstanding citizens’ RIGHTS to make a profit on the backs of living, suffering beings that are supposedly bred to bring us joy and affection! Furthermore, Missouri is the puppy mill capital of the U.S., so if they went Galt,  Sally might not get that inbred, parasite-riddled, traumatized cocker spaniel she’s always wanted. Missouri voters, why do you hate our freedoms? And Sally?

5. Passed a bill that bars the state minimum wage from exceeding the national minimum wage despite (YET FUCKING AGAIN) a law passed by Missouri voters in 2005 that tied the minimum wage to the rate of inflation. Don’t forget that a lot of these people are the same people (who were elected by the same people) who threw a hissy about Obama shoving health care reform down our throats. Why the fuck does Missouri even bother with ballot initiatives if greedy, amoral, authoritarian attention whores are just going to overturn them as soon as they get into power? I spent MINUTES signing petitions and filling in bubbles on the ballot that I could have put to much better use, like running my dehumidifier.

Our legislature is packed to the brim with assholes, and just when I think it couldn’t get dumber, they manage to top themselves.* It’d be amusing if I didn’t live here.

*VMR and/or VBDSMR

George W. Bush Fucking Hates You

8 Feb

One of the dudes who lives in my apartment complex (in Missouri) has the following items on his car:

1. A Wisconsin license plate

2. A Joe Wilson for Congress sticker

3. A Bush ’04 sticker.

Look, dude, I know you’ve come down from the great frozen north, but this isn’t fucking South Carolina. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion regarding Joe Wilson.

Furthermore, I know how much you pay for your apartment and I’m almost certain I’m one of the better-compensated tenants in the complex. While I make a livable wage, I’m pretty sure that if I ever shook George W. Bush’s hand, he’d wipe it on Bill Clinton’s shirt.*  Unless you’re a millionaire slumming it in 45-year-old student housing because you think it’s cool to be able to hear your neighbor taking a shit, YOU’RE A FUCKING DUMBASS.

*Maybe I’m being unfair. At least I’m white. And I’d probably wipe my hand on Bill Clinton’s shirt, too. After shaking George W. Bush’s, I mean. And then I’d wash it and possibly bleach it. Hopefully it wouldn’t need to be amputated.

(Title courtesy of Patton Oswalt. I’ll find the video when I’m at home and have speakers like a normal human being.)