Tag Archives: malaise

Sick, Sick Bastards

27 Jan

The most hits I’ve gotten in, like, forever were on my “Like Having Sex With a Republican” post. What is wrong with people?

I have nothing else to write. I am filled with self-loathing today. I say this not because I’m seeking pity, but to tell the kids that even the best of us (like, say, unemployed people with poorly-maintained blogs) feel bad sometimes.

Off to catch up on the news so I can find someone else to hate!

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Oh, I Didn’t See You There!

10 Jan

Hi, errbody!

I don’t make resolutions (down that path lies failure, disappointment, and self-hatred), but I have promised myself that I’m going to try and do more to bring about self-satisfaction and contentment, even if those things are difficult and/or uncomfortable. In other words, I would like to replace some of the hours per day I spend sleeping, looking at Twitter, and doing crosswords with making things, interacting with other people, and writing.

I am (or perhaps my depression is) astonishingly good at creating excuses not to do shit, even shit that I actually want to do and know would make me happy. I tell myself that the reason I haven’t been updated my poor little blog is that I haven’t had a reliable internet connection for months, but honestly, I probably would have found another reason to neglect it even if I’d had service. After all, “but those smug pig bastards on Angry Birds are smirking at you!” and “masturbation is fun!” and “nobody wants to read your bullshit, anyway!” are all compelling arguments, too.

But, like, so what? All of those things may be true, but it’s also true that writing something, even a little blog post, brings me a sense of accomplishment. It stretches and strengthens the muscles I need to use if I want to make my life’s dream my vocation. It’s something small I can do, even when everything seems impossible.

So, I’m making the commitment to myself and to anyone who does want to read my bullshit to update more. My internet connection still ain’t that great, napping is still awesome, and my writing skills are a little rusty, but I still owe it to myself to do something that makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something, no matter how small it may be.

In other news, I realized that I’ve never posted a video on this blog featuring the dude who inspired my nym. This is one of my favorite Morrissey songs (it’s close enough to Music Monday, right?):

I just can’t quit you, you quasi-racist vegan bastard.

All Growed Up

10 Nov

“Shower” and “drink water” are on my to-do list for today.

This Bodes Well

2 Aug

Just got a call from the Obama campaign. The fundraiser mispronounced my last name twice after being corrected and spent an entire minute on her pitch until she asked for $400.

 

Maybe I’m misremembering, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t the way they were able to do record fundraising last election.

Half a Person

28 Jul

I’m planning on writing a series about depression when, um, I’m less depressed (or have fewer things to do that take up my energy and willpower), but I thought I’d talk briefly about one of the symptoms I have that I hate the most. When my depression gets bad, I become really, really dumb.

My ability to learn quickly, remember things, problem-solve, and concentrate completely goes away. I’ve seen people* try to chalk these symptoms (especially lack of concentration) up to excess rumination, which can be true, but it’s beyond that. It’s truly a physical response–my brain slows waaaaay down. I forget how to do things I’ve done hundreds of times before. I can’t do simple math or remember short strings of numbers. I haven’t read a remotely challenging book in quite some time because I’m simply not up to it.

I’m okay with being a space cadet (I always have been, and had daydreaming down to an art when I was in school), but feeling slow and stupid? I hate it. Especially when my brain is already trying to tell me that I’m incompetent, useless, fat, lazy, unloveable, etc etc etc.

The worst part about it is that there’s nothing I can do about it. Sometimes caffeine helps, but that also makes me more anxious, which also makes me stupid (although in a different way–yay!). All I can do is try and turn off the asshole part of my brain and resist telling other people, “No!!! I’m not normally this stupid, I swear!” It sucks.

*Mostly dicks who don’t believe that there’s any physiological aspect to depression and that it’s all in people’s heads. Unfortunately, a lot of these people are considered “experts”. Which is part of the reason why I feel like I need talk about these things with complete candor sometimes.

Listen to This Fucking Cover

13 Jun

(That’s kinda upbeat for the Magnetic Fields, by the way).

I’m sorry to be so neglectful to you, dear blog. I shall be better.

Iiiiii ohhhhh I’m Still Alive

11 May

Flashback!

Despite rumors to the contrary, I am, indeed, still alive. Just a little overwhelmed with shit right now.

If you believe in some sort of god or cosmic thingamadood (I know most people who read this blog don’t, but wev), please throw some good thoughts up for me? Nothing horrible, tragic, or terrible has happened, but it seems like I just cannot.catch.a.break.

Please Don’t Let Me Hit the Ground

4 Apr

Oh, you’ve got green eyes
Oh, you’ve got blue eyes
Oh, you’ve got gray eyes

Today has been a little rough so far: part gloomy weather, part annoying peoplerson, part crappy job, and, embarrassingly enough, in small part because I was trying a new wavy look with my hair but it just looks like I didn’t wash it for three weeks. Which I’m perfectly willing to cop to if it’s true, but it’s not! I washed it last night! And it had only been a week! Maaaaaaaaaaaaybe I need to cut back on the product.  /fwp

I just need to keep looking at this cat macro that someone at SN! (gocart? I’m too lazy to check) linked to the other day.

You Can’t Build a Blogging Empire This Way

6 Mar

Oh man, if I’m trying to be on track to be the World’s Most Famous Blogger EVAR, I am already failing.

Actually, I’m not, but I’d still like to be productive.

The problem is that the news is depressing the hell out of me. Most of the time, the only reaction I have to Republican stupidity and the collapse of our society in general is AAAAARRRRRRRG BLARRRRRG. And when I do have something to say, I lose steam quickly because it doesn’t seem like it’s even worth the emotional effort.  Especially when smarter and better writers have already written something brilliant and I feel like I’m just treading old ground. And lately I’ve been all, “WHAR’S MY FUNNY?” because she is a fickle bitch who comes and goes (for me, anyway), so even vaguely amusing posts about various bullshit seem to be out.

So that leaves outfit blogging and cat blogging. Both of which a) require a decent camera, and b) are boring as shit, at least for an extended period of time.

Shorter Me: MEHHHHHHHHHHH.

And, just because I love this song: