Tag Archives: earth shattering

More Fun with Search Terms!

11 Apr

Apparently someone found my blog today via the search phrase “women who fuck for money”.

Look, I could easily charge if I wanted, but I don’t, because I’m just that nice. I’m like the Mother Theresa of sex.

UPDATED TO ADD A COMPLETELY UNRELATED SLICE OF LIFE: I just heard my neighbor say that she had forgotten that she has a ten-page paper due in the next four weeks and she’s really nervous because there’s no way she can get it done.

Okay. It hasn’t been that long since I’ve been an undergrad, and I remember that most of the basic courses I took (not counting the ones that I took for my major, which was in English) required at least couple of 8-10 or at least 6-8 page papers a semester. Fucking…how the fuck is she even getting through school? How’d she get through high school, for that matter?

At Least That’s Something…

8 Apr

On mornings when you’ve overslept by a half-hour and are searching your floordrobe for something relatively clean and unwrinkled to wear because the skirt you were planning on wearing NO LONGER FUCKING FITS, putting baby powder in your hair because you haven’t washed it in five days, contemplating selling plasma to pay your bills, rushing out the door and realizing that you forgot both your lunch and your wallet and you’re seriously congratulating yourself for accidentally coming up with this method to lose weight and save money, thinking about how you’ll be 31 in five months but you feel like you’re 22 (not in a good way), feeling resentful of a friend’s proclamation on her blog that she loves her thirties because at this rate you won’t get your shit together until you’re at least 60 or, more likely, you’ll be on Hoarders by then, it’s good to remember that at least you’re not a Republican.

If You’d Like, I Can Also Take a Picture of the Navel I’ve Been Gazing at All Day

6 Apr

I realized I haven’t made a cankle update in FOREVER and since I KNOW that people are FASCINATED by it, I thought I would do so.

I’m Mostly Normal. I have some occasional pain, some swelling, and kickass scars. I haven’t started wearing high heels over a half-inch or so for any length of time yet.

As you can see from my picture taken with my camera phone and edited in MS Paint, Cankle is still larger than Non-Cankle, and lacks some of the boniness it had prior to being broken into bits.

There is a stitch still embedded in my skin that I can’t get out. My OCD does not like this at all.

Disappointingly, this one doesn’t look quite as awesome as it is in real life. First of all, it’s three inches long (TWSS) and second of all, it’s sort of situated in this weird dent between my outside plate and my Achilles tendon, which feels reeeeallllyyy weird.  This is the scar that I would not have had if I wasn’t stupid enough to try and use my crutches to go to the bathroom after drinking half a bottle of wine and taking a few (low-dose!) Vicodin. *shudder* That hurt more than the initial accident.

The good thing is that my range of motion is pretty much back to normal, and I’m at about 90% of my strength (my calf atrophied like you would NOT believe). I wish I’d done a better job of documenting it, because it was kind of fucking cool. Then again, it’s apparent that my photography skills are sub-par and my paleness is so intense that it basically reflects the flash and makes up-close pictures all shiny and weird.

Incidentally, I have $32,000 worth of hardware up in this bitch. Imma pawn it and pay off (some of) my student loans!

Failures! All of You!

6 Apr

I forgot to vote. How could you let me forget to vote???

Luckily, it didn’t matter too much. Craycray school board dolphin lady only got 10% of the vote. (Which is still kind of scary, actually).

Oh, Good God

31 Mar

“Wait, there are dinosaur footprints in that park? How did they get there? Why didn’t the rain wash them away?”

How can you have grown up and gone to public school in the 80s and 90s and not know what the fuck a fossil is?

I wonder if they have one of those dinosaur tapes my little brothers always watched up on YouTube…

Oooh, like this one!

On second thought, it’s probably too advanced.

UPDATE: If you do not stop talking about how fat you are and your diet tea, you will know what a fossil is from personal experience.

Because I will turn you into one.

That means I’ll kill you.

LOOK IT UP IN THE DICTIONARY!

 

UPDATE UPDATE: I know I’m a whiner and this probably gets old. But srsly. Imagine having a young Sarah Palin in your office. Every. Other. Day. Except. Fridays. And. Sometimes. Tuesdays.

Correcting the Smut Clyde (On Another Blog)

30 Mar

Dear Mr. Clyde,

This is to inform you that you are wrong about xkcd and trebuchets.

Yours truly,

Truculent A. Unreliable, MA, CPSA

Quick Thought

8 Mar

(for about the tenth time since Friday)

“FUCK! OW! I really need to move that kitty condo.”