Tag Archives: conservatives

You Said “Weiner”

1 Jun

The fact that conservatives truly believe that Anthony Weiner actually sent a picture of his penis to someone over his official Twitter account reflects their mindsets perfectly. One has to be a truly powerdrunk, technologically-illiterate  moron to do something like that. And, as we all know, “powerdrunk, technologically-illiterate moron” is just a fancy-ass, big city term for “conservative.”

COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE: I am obsessed.

Never Sleep. Remember to Breathe Deep

23 May

Yeah, I know, Mountain Goats blah blah blah but this is currently my favorite song.  Holy fuck, it’s good.

Also, I’d like to warn my beloved bloggy friends that if I see any comments about red staters being dumb and voting against their interests with regards to this, there will be murders.  My mother’s co-worker lost her husband a couple of weeks ago in a tornado that touched down near her home in Tennessee.  My hometown was hit by a tornado about 11 years ago, and a lot of people lost their homes and businesses. I grew up about 60 miles west of Joplin and I’ve been there a countless number of times (they’re about 4 times bigger and they had a mall!).

Yes, there are plenty of people concentrated in red states who vote against their own interests and believe really horrible things, but there are also plenty of people who don’t, and who fight against hate and retrofuck attitudes. I’m sure that quite a few victims of this latest tornado believe(d) in anthropogenic global warming. I know (believe me, I KNOW) that it’s fucking frustrating as HELL to see a small minority fuck shit up, but USAians in general are a small minority who have benefited most from fossil fuels and will probably suffer the fewest consequences.

/lecture mode

On the upside, my mother tells me that she’s heard several people who would normally be all “ALGORE is FAT” have made comments about how this weather isn’t normal and maybe there’s something to this whole global warming thing. Maybe the weather these past 6-7 months will change people’s minds before it’s too late.

Is Malkin Stealing from Alkon Next?

19 Apr

Ann Coulter totes ripped off The Donalde.

He probably doesn’t have a basis for a lawsuit, though, unless the book contains obsessive screeds about Tintin. Or some sort of reference to Bigfoot and the State of Israel.

(God, that will NEVER get old).

I Get Letters

10 Apr

Dear Katie:

Thank you for contacting me about funding for Planned Parenthood.

I am deeply opposed to the practice of abortion and do not support federal funding for any organization that performs or promotes abortions, which includes Planned Parenthood. An unborn child is a living human being and abortion ends the life of that child. Throughout my time in the House I worked hard to protect the lives of the unborn.

In 2004, I led the effort to enact the bipartisan Laci and Conner’s Law, which treats a crime against an unborn child as a separate offense in criminal cases. This law addressed the murder case in California in which Laci Peterson and her unborn son, Conner, were murdered. I am proud to have the highest possible pro-life voting record according to National Right to Life, and, as I begin my time in the Senate, I will continue to support efforts to make adoption more attractive for parents and prohibit the use of taxpayer dollars to pay for abortion.

Again, thank you for contacting me.  I look forward to continuing our conversation on Facebook (www.facebook.com/SenatorBlunt) and Twitter (www.twitter.com/RoyBlunt) about the important issues facing Missouri and the country.  I also encourage you to visit my website (blunt.senate.gov) to learn more about where I stand on the issues and sign-up for my e-newsletter.

Sincere regards,
Roy Blunt
United States Senator

Dear Fuckwit:

You’re welcome. Thank YOU for having staff who have the uncanny ability to respond to my letters and petitions with poorly-written form emails that state the obvious just when I’ve forgotten that I’m righteously angry at your stupid ass, causing me to do the following:

  1. remember that Roy fucking Blunt is my senator and feel the proper dismay and disgust yet again;
  2. think “Jesus CHRIST, the Carnahan campaign was terrible. Did he pay them off?”;
  3. examine whether it was likely that Missouri could have two Democratic women in the Senate anyway,
  4. and say to myself, “Wait. I live in Missouri. What the fuck?”

I also appreciate your unwavering commitment to the principle that women should be forced to bear children against their will, as well as your unwillingness to come to any sort of compromise on this issue even if it costs the health and lives of poor women across this great nation. Some people might say that this sort of inflexibility and devotion to your moral beliefs borders on fanaticism, but that’s ridiculous, as you’re obviously not brown a serious, reasonable, compassionate conservative.

Regarding your effort to enact Laci and Conner’s Law…um, thanks? I’d think that a more effective solution would be to advocate for funding the programs that assist women in leaving abusive relationships and make it possible for them to support themselves economically, but I’m sure that this law will cause many a sick fuck to think once or twice before murdering his pregnant partner. He might even decide to wait to kill her until after the baby is born. Sounds like a win/win to me!

Finally, while Facebook, Twitter, and your newsletter may give the illusion that you actually give a shit about my rights as IF THIS WERE AN ACTUAL DEMOCRACY, I’ve been trying to cut down on the daily reminders that my fellow Lady-Parted Americans (especially the poor ones) and I are considered subhuman by a large portion of our population. Yes, I know, aspiring to have a maximum of ten reminders a day that I am only good for being fucked and incubating babies is probably naively optimistic, but a girl’s gotta start somewhere.

Sincere regards,

Katie/Truculent A. Unreliable
United States Walking Vagina

At Least That’s Something…

8 Apr

On mornings when you’ve overslept by a half-hour and are searching your floordrobe for something relatively clean and unwrinkled to wear because the skirt you were planning on wearing NO LONGER FUCKING FITS, putting baby powder in your hair because you haven’t washed it in five days, contemplating selling plasma to pay your bills, rushing out the door and realizing that you forgot both your lunch and your wallet and you’re seriously congratulating yourself for accidentally coming up with this method to lose weight and save money, thinking about how you’ll be 31 in five months but you feel like you’re 22 (not in a good way), feeling resentful of a friend’s proclamation on her blog that she loves her thirties because at this rate you won’t get your shit together until you’re at least 60 or, more likely, you’ll be on Hoarders by then, it’s good to remember that at least you’re not a Republican.

Fuck You, Substance. I’d Rather Talk about Santorum (Either the Guy or the Frothy Mixture)

4 Apr

Over at Substance’s house, he indicates that some “libertarian” over at Big Hollywood is all cranky poo because C****** S**** called Sarah Palin a whore.

Of course, (as Substance points out), it’s quite ridiculous and hypocritical to be all fainty-couchy at S**** for using the word “whore” after he has shot his girlfriend, abused and threatened TWO WIVES to the point that they had to get restraining orders, and committed a variety of other shit-ass acts against women (and I’m sure those are just the tip of the iceberg).

But I actually think it’s worse than that; it’s the way that this type of rhetoric influences and reinforces the way that women are perceived in our society.  It’s not just that they’re using it as a tool to go after political enemies. It’s that they believe that certain women deserve respect and certain women are subhuman garbage.  It’s a rightwing distillation of the attitude that Anna Holmes talks about in this article–certain women are worthy of protection by virtue of who/what they are, and certain women are just disposable, or even deserve what they get. It’s actually funny how you can see something backwards and fucked up in society and pretty much guarantee that conservatives practice it to a greater degree than pretty much anyone.

Of course, the difference between these two groups is always changing. While there are women (and, fuck, GIRLS) who are almost always going to be unsympathetically viewed, even the criteria for what makes one a victim vs. what means you’ve asked for it is impossible to pin down, no matter how close to normative you are. It’s something that Sarah Palin types don’t see, but will one day understand. The Big P only shines favor on you when you are its lapdogs and follow its dictates, but, like any abusive relationship, the rules can change from one day to the next.  In the end, it’s more about who you are than what you do. As long as you’re favored, you have some wiggle room, but the moment you step over the invisible line (sometimes through no fault of your own), you are just as vulnerable as the rest of us. It’s currently very easy for Sarah Palin to dismiss sexism against her as her political enemies being assholes (which they are), but someday–when her looks fade, most likely–she will learn that she’s just a woman like the rest of us.

Although she’ll never admit it’s because of the systems she’s supported all her life, of course.

Show Me Dumbassery

1 Apr

I think we’ve already established that I live in a shithole, right?

Four members of the Missouri State Senate have been filbustering legislation that would allow the state to accept federal money to extend unemployment benefits. The senate adjourned yesterday without passing it, making it the only state in the union to be SO FUCKING SHITTY AND DUMB THAT THEY’RE WILLING TO LET PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HOMES AND STARVE FOR A MERE FUCKING GESTURE THAT DOES NOTHING TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT.

The filibuster effort was lead by Jim Lembke (R-Doucheville), who is a lovely, LOVELY example of a bug-eyed, crazed “human” and would be cleaning the floors at White Castle with his toothbrush in a just world. Instead, he’s out there drawing a government salary and bitching about red light cameras. Because paying a $100 fine for an easily-avoidable offense is TOTES more distressing than being chronically unemployed and not able to feed your kids.

BONUS STALKER CLUE: This woman is my age? And what the fucking fuck? This is not normally the type of person who runs for office here.  There has been a noticeable change in the culture in the last few years from what it was like when I moved here in 2004. I’m sad that this little college town has become an evangelical asshole haven and why the fuck do good bands so rarely stop here anymore? And is more than one independent bookstore or at least one that is larger than my apartment too much to ask for? Really?

UPDATE: My friend just pointed out her blog’s name. Since when did “dittohead” become something to be proud of?

This Is Fucking Stupid

30 Mar

Jesus Christ, Arizona. Will you please stop doing dumb shit for, like, a week?

Obviously, this law doesn’t exist for anything except to restrict women’s rights, but let’s pretend they were actually trying to prevent what they say they’re preventing.

1. How often is gender a determinant of whether or not someone has an abortion in the United States? It’s an issue in China because of the one-child policy, but as far as I know, there are no laws on the books to limit the number of children a family has. (If so, someone had better tell the Duggars).

2. The race thing is just fucking unmitigated dumbshittery. So…let’s pretend that some non-white dude impregnates me. If it is a) because of rape, the race of the fetus is incidental, because as far as I know, ABORTION IS STILL LEGAL and I think I’d be more upset carrying a rapist’s baby than if the rapist weren’t white, or if it is b) because of consensual sex, it’s an even more ridiculous scenario, because I obviously can’t be that offended by having a kid that’s bi/multiracial, otherwise I would have stayed away from nonwhite dick in the first place. What the hell other situation is there? Even if a fetus could somehow change races in the womb, it’s not like you could fucking tell on the sonogram.

The only case in which fetii are  “discriminated against” because of genetics are when they have disabilities that would be fatal or cause great suffering to the baby once it’s born, or are such that the parents don’t feel capable of taking care of them.  Yet there’s nothing protecting Unborn Americans with disabilities  in this law.

Why do they hate Trig?

History is Made to Seem Unfair

24 Mar

Maine has joined other states in happily skipping down the road to fascism by erasing the role that labor activism has played in the state’s history.

Apparently a mural depicting the history of labor in the, um, DEPARTMENT OF LABOR is offensive; the governor claims that he received many complaints, including a letter from someone who said that the mural made him feel like he was in communist North Korea.

Yup. Looks like something I’d see in North Korea. Not that I have any idea what anything in North Korea actually looks like…

You know what makes me “uncomfortable”? The fact that a few assholes with loud voices and deep pockets can re-write the history of the people of this nation–OUR history.

The 100th anniversary of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire is tomorrow. It wouldn’t surprise me if conservatives accused the victims of starting the fire themselves to bring about a communist revolution.

They won’t stop until this country is re-made into the image they want.

Mommy, Why Do You Drink?

20 Mar

Well, Woad, when a woman hates herself, it’s called internalized misogyny. She has to do something to make the pain go away, and sometimes drinking Franzia straight from the spout is the only way to do it.  Now go tell that hippie to get his baseball off my fucking lawn.