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Show Me Dumbassery

1 Apr

I think we’ve already established that I live in a shithole, right?

Four members of the Missouri State Senate have been filbustering legislation that would allow the state to accept federal money to extend unemployment benefits. The senate adjourned yesterday without passing it, making it the only state in the union to be SO FUCKING SHITTY AND DUMB THAT THEY’RE WILLING TO LET PEOPLE LOSE THEIR HOMES AND STARVE FOR A MERE FUCKING GESTURE THAT DOES NOTHING TO REDUCE THE DEFICIT.

The filibuster effort was lead by Jim Lembke (R-Doucheville), who is a lovely, LOVELY example of a bug-eyed, crazed “human” and would be cleaning the floors at White Castle with his toothbrush in a just world. Instead, he’s out there drawing a government salary and bitching about red light cameras. Because paying a $100 fine for an easily-avoidable offense is TOTES more distressing than being chronically unemployed and not able to feed your kids.

BONUS STALKER CLUE: This woman is my age? And what the fucking fuck? This is not normally the type of person who runs for office here.  There has been a noticeable change in the culture in the last few years from what it was like when I moved here in 2004. I’m sad that this little college town has become an evangelical asshole haven and why the fuck do good bands so rarely stop here anymore? And is more than one independent bookstore or at least one that is larger than my apartment too much to ask for? Really?

UPDATE: My friend just pointed out her blog’s name. Since when did “dittohead” become something to be proud of?

Oh, Good God

31 Mar

“Wait, there are dinosaur footprints in that park? How did they get there? Why didn’t the rain wash them away?”

How can you have grown up and gone to public school in the 80s and 90s and not know what the fuck a fossil is?

I wonder if they have one of those dinosaur tapes my little brothers always watched up on YouTube…

Oooh, like this one!

On second thought, it’s probably too advanced.

UPDATE: If you do not stop talking about how fat you are and your diet tea, you will know what a fossil is from personal experience.

Because I will turn you into one.

That means I’ll kill you.



UPDATE UPDATE: I know I’m a whiner and this probably gets old. But srsly. Imagine having a young Sarah Palin in your office. Every. Other. Day. Except. Fridays. And. Sometimes. Tuesdays.

I am Going to Snap One of These Days

15 Mar

Since we’ve already ruled out taking covert pictures for defacement of a particular individual, I’m wondering if it would be equally ethically shaky  to make an audio recording of said person’s voice.

At the very least, it would provide for a decent defense should security ever drag me out of my workplace for jumping on my desk  and screaming obscenities.

Not that I would ever do that, of course.

Come On, Geniuses!

11 Mar

We are smart/snarky/slightly cruel people. We can figure out a way to beat Sex Tape Machine and A___y B______t at their own games.

/avoiding the real news

I Live in a Shithole

9 Mar

Okay, not completely. There’s  a lot of beautiful scenery here, and we have toilets that flush and everything.

This state has always had its kooky conservatives, but after last year’s election, they have a much louder voice than ever. And they’re using it in really atrocious and embarrassing ways. They have:

1.  Passed a bill in the House that would require that driving tests are administered in English only. Because if you don’t speak American, you’re probably too stupid to drive.

2. Introduced a bill to curtail child labor laws. I have already discussed this (and Angry Black Lady totes stole my bit, because you KNOW I was the only one who thought of Oliver Twist), but again, I have to say: SERIOUSLY? What the fuck is this fucking Gilded Age retrofuck bullshit? I cannot imagine that this bill reflects the wishes of most of Jane Cunningham’s constituents.

3. Proposed a constitutional amendment in the Senate which would initiate a “fair tax” that would eliminate corporate income taxes in 2013 and completely eliminate all income taxes by 2018. Sales taxes would be raised and levied on goods/services that aren’t normally taxed, including medical care (because God knows that’s not expensive enough already). It’s not going to pass, but the fact that these fucking idiots are wasting their time and everyone else’s, not to mention TAXPAYER MONEY on useless, insane bullshit like this drives me fucking batty.

4. Pushed for the modification of an anti-puppy mill law that was overwhelmingly approved by Missouri voters. The re-written law would (among other measures) lift the current 50-dog limit and decriminalize violations. According to the sponsor of the bill that proposes the changes, “The way Prop B was when it was passed originally would have destroyed the industry.”

How DARE a majority of voters deprive these patriotic, upstanding citizens’ RIGHTS to make a profit on the backs of living, suffering beings that are supposedly bred to bring us joy and affection! Furthermore, Missouri is the puppy mill capital of the U.S., so if they went Galt,  Sally might not get that inbred, parasite-riddled, traumatized cocker spaniel she’s always wanted. Missouri voters, why do you hate our freedoms? And Sally?

5. Passed a bill that bars the state minimum wage from exceeding the national minimum wage despite (YET FUCKING AGAIN) a law passed by Missouri voters in 2005 that tied the minimum wage to the rate of inflation. Don’t forget that a lot of these people are the same people (who were elected by the same people) who threw a hissy about Obama shoving health care reform down our throats. Why the fuck does Missouri even bother with ballot initiatives if greedy, amoral, authoritarian attention whores are just going to overturn them as soon as they get into power? I spent MINUTES signing petitions and filling in bubbles on the ballot that I could have put to much better use, like running my dehumidifier.

Our legislature is packed to the brim with assholes, and just when I think it couldn’t get dumber, they manage to top themselves.* It’d be amusing if I didn’t live here.

*VMR and/or VBDSMR

Quick Thought

8 Mar

(for about the tenth time since Friday)

“FUCK! OW! I really need to move that kitty condo.”



I Know You Are, But What Am I?

2 Mar


I find this ironic not only because Beck’s followers are CLEARLY useful idiots, but also because Glennie is one, too.

Dude is rich, but he’s really nothing more than a circus clown to distract us from the OLIGARHY. The fucking real one.

Note to Self

28 Feb

If you were once known for your big tits, you will always be known for your big tits, even when you’re 89 years old. And dead.


24 Feb

I’ve been trying to write a post about unions and some other shit I’ve already forgotten about for days now, but my brain only seems to be capable of forming bon mots and innuendo, so I’m going to link to an appalling column by a douchebag and discuss his douchiness.

Money shot:

Yes, I know it’s meddling in another country’s “internal affairs,” and a strike against the Libyan Air Force may be considered an act of war in some lawyers’ offices.  But if we did those things we’d save a lot of innocent lives and enhance our chances of being more effective in the future.

Actually, I don’t think there’s much else to say besides “He’s a douche.”

Also, I want to settle this here and now. My hands are quite dainty. Look how small my right one is compared to my head:

So there.


Because I am a giver:

Good for You, Michele

17 Feb

I’m glad your boobs work. But some of us can’t quit our jobs working as attorneys for the IRS to raise our special little snowflakes full-time.

Jesus Christ, you’d think the first lady was asking us to fund a personal wet nurse for every poor mother in the country.