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Debate Genius Doesn’t Understand the Concept of the First Amendment

24 Jan

Newt Gingrich is a free speech crusader and a defender of downtrodden academics, business leaders, and ambassadors.  He is willing to sacrifice precious time he’d spend making well-reasoned arguments such as “Obama is a food stamp president” on national television to allow grown adults to clap whenever they damn well please. Do you know what a sacrifice this is for an egotistical blowhard articulate debater like Speaker Ginrich?

He is such an inspiration that I’m going to yell and applaud at inappropriate times during a  movie and I won’t “allow” anyone to ask me to stop. The movie theaters don’t control free speech!

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LOL @ Yr GOP, America

22 Jan

Was it the unwashable stank of sanity? The magic underwear (like Jesus-eaters have room to talk)? The “open marriage”? Because seriously, South Carolina Republicans, I just cannot believe that you think that Newt Gingrich has the ability to “beat Obama,” as you mouth-breathing, sociopath-worshiping, dogwhistle-blowing fucks like to say.

Furthermore, I can’t believe that anybody, even conservatives, think that a guy who made shutting down the fucking government a thing* and was forced to resign as Speaker of the House in disgrace is a good choice for President.

Okay, I guess I can, but I really would rather not.

*My favorite (opposite day!) thing about Republicans is their strategy of electing people who make it their mission to ensure that the government doesn’t function. I’m not sure what these people think they’re going to do when the baby’s small enough to be drowned in the bathtub, but I’d imagine it has something to do with sucking on the teat of the kleptocrats who got them into office in the first place. Good luck with that, kiddos. Most of you are destined for the Thunderdome like the rest of us where being a bombastic prick whose only skill is to fuck shit up won’t get you very far.

Like Having Sex With a Republican

11 Jan

Want to feel intense boredom and self-hatred at the same time?

Call Ron Paul a racist on Twitter and then engage in “conversation” with the Paulbots who come out of the woodwork to defend him.

They’re RELENTLESS and, I swear, they have a script. The same dumb, dumb, entitled white dude script.  I’d compare them to Mormons, but that seems unfair. Mormons are a LOT more entertaining.

Oh, Thank God

17 Nov

Like most Americans, I don’t stay up late at night worrying about paying my bills or finding a good job. My insomnia is brought on by the oppression I feel due to my inability to legally carry concealed weapons across state lines.

Republicans. What would we do without them???

Yglesias Needs to Stop Hanging Out With Megan McCardle

16 Nov

Food policy douchebaggery seems to be contagious.

After he is informed that a tablespoon of pizza sauce is not, in fact, “servings” of vegetables, Yglesias then asks “Why don’t they just put more sauce on it?” Um, because there would need to be a half-cup of sauce, and the food industry said that would be gross. (Actually, I think we’d all agree that would be gross). Do you even know what you’re talking about, asshole? Uniformed spouting off: not just for conservatives!

I’m confused as to why a supposed progressive would be so contrarian about policies intended to make sure that kids get the best nutrition possible. School lunches may be the only source of vegetables that poor kids get in a day, unless the dried garlic crystals in ramen seasoning packs count as vegetables, too. What kind of idiot thinks a diet of cheap processed food provides adequate nutrition for growing children?

Ah. I see.

GAAAAAAAAAAHAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRG!

2 Aug

Teabaggers are such stupid-ass ignorant mendacious douchebags. My favorite (and by “favorite,” I mean “causes me to raise my voice about 6 octaves and yell incoherently”) is when they whine about being called names.

Jesus help me. I wish I were to the point where I didn’t give a fuck and just thought it was funny.

Well, Then

6 Jun

I HATE  being wrong. Go fuck yourself, Weiner.

It’s not that I’m angry that I believed him; I’m angry that I thought he was actually smart enough not to do something that apocalyptically stupid. It’d be nice to think that someone who is one of the few progressive-ish voices of the Democratic party would possess enough self-control and, like, ethics or something crazy like that not to have “inappropriate communications” (at the very least, because come the fuck on) with hot ladies using his official Twitter account, but I’m not that naive.  But the fact that he’s not canny enough to figure out that sending pictures of his (clothed, at least) junk over fucking yfrog on his public Twitter account in this political climate might be a bad idea is just…fucking sad.

Here’s the video for Monday, because it’s what I’m listening to right this second and it rules so hard:

You Said “Weiner”

1 Jun

The fact that conservatives truly believe that Anthony Weiner actually sent a picture of his penis to someone over his official Twitter account reflects their mindsets perfectly. One has to be a truly powerdrunk, technologically-illiterate  moron to do something like that. And, as we all know, “powerdrunk, technologically-illiterate moron” is just a fancy-ass, big city term for “conservative.”

COMPLETELY UNRELATED UPDATE: I am obsessed.

Parody: I Don’t Think That Word Means What You Think it Means

9 Apr

 

Okay, I know this isn’t the worst bit, but…THESE PEOPLE HAVE A FUCKING COFFEE KIOSK IN THEIR CHURCH??? Can you, like, get a white chocolate triple mocha and take it in with you to service? Do they have guys walking up and down the pews selling hot dogs?

Jesus. It’s like Poe’s Law in video form.

Take This Quiz

2 Apr

and be horribly depressed at the results. And/or feel incredibly superior to the vast majority of your fellow USAians. (Or USAians in general, should it happen that you are not from The Greatest Country EVAR to Exist EVAR).