I Get Letters

10 Apr

Dear Katie:

Thank you for contacting me about funding for Planned Parenthood.

I am deeply opposed to the practice of abortion and do not support federal funding for any organization that performs or promotes abortions, which includes Planned Parenthood. An unborn child is a living human being and abortion ends the life of that child. Throughout my time in the House I worked hard to protect the lives of the unborn.

In 2004, I led the effort to enact the bipartisan Laci and Conner’s Law, which treats a crime against an unborn child as a separate offense in criminal cases. This law addressed the murder case in California in which Laci Peterson and her unborn son, Conner, were murdered. I am proud to have the highest possible pro-life voting record according to National Right to Life, and, as I begin my time in the Senate, I will continue to support efforts to make adoption more attractive for parents and prohibit the use of taxpayer dollars to pay for abortion.

Again, thank you for contacting me.  I look forward to continuing our conversation on Facebook (www.facebook.com/SenatorBlunt) and Twitter (www.twitter.com/RoyBlunt) about the important issues facing Missouri and the country.  I also encourage you to visit my website (blunt.senate.gov) to learn more about where I stand on the issues and sign-up for my e-newsletter.

Sincere regards,
Roy Blunt
United States Senator

Dear Fuckwit:

You’re welcome. Thank YOU for having staff who have the uncanny ability to respond to my letters and petitions with poorly-written form emails that state the obvious just when I’ve forgotten that I’m righteously angry at your stupid ass, causing me to do the following:

  1. remember that Roy fucking Blunt is my senator and feel the proper dismay and disgust yet again;
  2. think “Jesus CHRIST, the Carnahan campaign was terrible. Did he pay them off?”;
  3. examine whether it was likely that Missouri could have two Democratic women in the Senate anyway,
  4. and say to myself, “Wait. I live in Missouri. What the fuck?”

I also appreciate your unwavering commitment to the principle that women should be forced to bear children against their will, as well as your unwillingness to come to any sort of compromise on this issue even if it costs the health and lives of poor women across this great nation. Some people might say that this sort of inflexibility and devotion to your moral beliefs borders on fanaticism, but that’s ridiculous, as you’re obviously not brown a serious, reasonable, compassionate conservative.

Regarding your effort to enact Laci and Conner’s Law…um, thanks? I’d think that a more effective solution would be to advocate for funding the programs that assist women in leaving abusive relationships and make it possible for them to support themselves economically, but I’m sure that this law will cause many a sick fuck to think once or twice before murdering his pregnant partner. He might even decide to wait to kill her until after the baby is born. Sounds like a win/win to me!

Finally, while Facebook, Twitter, and your newsletter may give the illusion that you actually give a shit about my rights as IF THIS WERE AN ACTUAL DEMOCRACY, I’ve been trying to cut down on the daily reminders that my fellow Lady-Parted Americans (especially the poor ones) and I are considered subhuman by a large portion of our population. Yes, I know, aspiring to have a maximum of ten reminders a day that I am only good for being fucked and incubating babies is probably naively optimistic, but a girl’s gotta start somewhere.

Sincere regards,

Katie/Truculent A. Unreliable
United States Walking Vagina

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12 Responses to “I Get Letters”

  1. M. Bouffant 04.10.2011 at 22:25 #

    Ahh, democracy by form letter.

    Of course Sen. Shitbag’s staff makes no mention of effective (or any) contraception as an alternative to abortion. Adoption or nothing. Maybe the churches will reopen orphanages just for bastards. Right next to the baby farms.

  2. Another Kiwi 04.10.2011 at 23:10 #

    I like the way Mr., sorry, Senator Prickweasel turns it all around to say how fabulous the other hideous fucks think he is.

  3. John Revolta 04.10.2011 at 23:54 #

    This is, of course, utter bullshit.

    1. Abortions comprise *3%* of services provided by PP.

    2.(and more to the point)PP is ALREADY FORBIDDEN BY LAW
    from using federal money to fund said 3% of services.

    But keep knockin’ down them strawmen, Bluntboy. The mouthbreathing base just laps it up.

  4. John Revolta 04.11.2011 at 00:01 #

    While I’m seething I should add that it’s not just the abortions that eat at these fucks, ohno. Once they take that out, they’ll go for your fucking pills & condoms next.
    That’s why PP has to go, period. Family planning makes baby Jesus cry, is what.

    Grrrr. I’m all ranty now.

  5. zombie rotten mcdonald 04.11.2011 at 00:11 #

    nice. “Delightfully uncivil” as has been said.

    Add a couple/few more cusswords, and I can sub out Fuck You Fridays.

  6. nedbeaumontjr 04.11.2011 at 07:15 #

    You’d get his attention faster if your position was “reclining vagina.”

  7. Substance McGravitas 04.11.2011 at 09:09 #

    Good work bothering to write though. Keep it up.

  8. B^4 04.11.2011 at 10:45 #

    Now, how about:

    5. I will run against your ass, and mop the floor with you in the debates?

  9. truculentandunreliable 04.11.2011 at 10:59 #

    Once they take that out, they’ll go for your fucking pills & condoms next.

    Yes, they will. It’s kind of amazing how complete zealots who are faaaaaaaaaaaar to the right of most Americans have completely taken over this discourse.

    I’m not sure what they’d do with all the brown babies, though. I’m guessing forced sterilization would come back in style.

    nice. “Delightfully uncivil” as has been said.

    Add a couple/few more cusswords, and I can sub out Fuck You Fridays.

    Thanks! I was trying to be brief. Although perhaps, like dessert, there is always room for more curse words.

  10. truculentandunreliable 04.11.2011 at 11:09 #

    5. I will run against your ass, and mop the floor with you in the debates?

    But running for office requires talking to people!

  11. Whale Chowder 04.11.2011 at 14:39 #

    Righteous rant, T&U. Nice job. Being a penis-bearing American, I realize my position on abortion should count for little but I have to say your points on Sen. Doucheblunt’s positions zing right home.

    Fuck the forced-birthers. If men had to bear children you can bet abortion would be funded by insurance just as well as those little blue pills.

  12. Smut Clyde 04.11.2011 at 15:44 #

    “Delightfully uncivil” as has been said.

    May I recommend “Delightfully unpleasant with the foxy adolescent sneer” as a category?

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