Matador Monday

7 Mar

Here is Liz Phair performing her classic “Fuck and Run” with an accompaniment by an adorable vegan (NSFW, if you haven’t caught on):

 

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23 Responses to “Matador Monday”

  1. ifthethunderdontgetya 03.07.2011 at 08:45 #

    NSFW isn’t a problem for me right now. Neither is getting paid…
    ~

  2. B^4 03.07.2011 at 12:51 #

    When I read “adorable vegan”, I expected a hamster, maybe a tortoise.

    I want a refund!

  3. M. Bouffant 03.07.2011 at 16:33 #

    After the “Stormy Weather” that wasn’t, nahgunna click that one.

  4. truculentandunreliable 03.07.2011 at 16:48 #

    Nah, this one’s upbeat! It’s about fucking and running!

  5. M. Bouffant 03.07.2011 at 17:28 #

    No, “Stormy Weather” is a real song too!

  6. Spengler 03.07.2011 at 21:51 #

    So, tell me about your day. How did it blow?

  7. Spengler 03.07.2011 at 21:53 #

    I can still show up over here. I’ll post modestly.

  8. truculentandunreliable 03.07.2011 at 22:48 #

    You can post here to your heart’s delight, Spengler. Unless it’s about my thick, wiry (yet silky smooth) happy trail.

    So, here’s the dealio. I have fucked up so royally and consistently at my job due to depression, anxiety, and loathing for about 95% of the tasks I have to do (all magnified by the fact that I work in an environment that is full of passive-aggressive people who have the tendency to be gaslighty) that I’ve pissed off pretty much everybody, including today, when I really pissed off someone who is BY FAR one of the nicest people I’ve met.

    When I’m unhappy, even if my executive function is all like, “NO you HAVE to do it because you’re an ADULT,” I can only sustain a decent level f productivity for a short period of time. Which is why I suck at school, incidentally. And GOD, there’s just so much internet!

    Anyway, I am a very sensitive person and I hate having people angry at me so it was scary and I had to hide in the bathroom and cry a little and moan that everyone hates me. And it makes me feel like a little kid–I don’t have the self-discipline to do what I’m supposed to, and I don’t have the spine to say “fuck it” when I suffer the consequences.

    So,anyway, I was embarrassed and felt bad.

  9. truculentandunreliable 03.07.2011 at 22:51 #

    Oh, also, I feel really guilty because I’m bitching about and screwing up a job that plenty of people would love to have. Adulthood. I cannot cut it.

    BTW, It took everything in me not to apologize for the length of my previous comment on my OWN FUCKING BLOG.

  10. Spengler 03.07.2011 at 23:21 #

    I feel you. And yes, I mean that in various ways.

    You want a LONG FUCKING COMMENT? MEASURE THIS ONE.

    I’ve spent years working at various companies I detested, doing work that made me puke — and it was creative work, no less, that a lot of people would saw out their hard palates for. There’s no telling yourself it beats being out of work. Until, of course, you’re out of work, and then it’s with the freakouts and the gnashing and whatnot.

    Allow me to get didactic for a moment — as an old hand at hating, hating, hating work that I hate. A lot of people have no ambition and no desire for autonomy. They love bureaucracy, because it’s like a vast English muffin* with infinite nooks and crannies they can hide in and absorb wayward butter.

    They thrive in an environment where all they have to do is shuffle some bullshit around for a few hours, backstab their colleagues to make sure nobody excels, and then go home and watch talent shows on television.

    I fall into these situations periodically, and because I have a lot of pointless ambition and drive to go out and invent stuff and make art and whatnot, but because industrialized art (like what I do) is 90% meetings, it drives me insane. And for a while my self-pep talks with the “don’t be an asshole, you’re lucky to have work at all, you feckless, mediocre dilettante” bit works fairly well. But then I can’t stand it any more, and I tune out.

    The tune-out period is actually how most people get through their jobs and even careers. They literally tune out after high school and wake up at age sixty, diabetic and flabby, with the same hairdo they had when they were twenty, and they say “holy shit” and subsequently turn mean and watch Glenn Beck.

    But if you’re one of the iconoclastic, individualist types who likes what she likes, enjoys a well humidified environment, and don’t take no shit, you can’t tune out for long. I can’t either. Then I get belligerent, start trying to provoke people, and yet at the same time also start desperately trying to reach out in oblique ways to the people I think are essentially decent, because I want them to know by osmosis it’s not them I despise.

    And they’re always the ones that call me on my shit. Humiliation, blushing, dry mouth, racing pulse, rushing in the ears.

    Eventually there’s a restructuring or I find another gig and creep away, ashamed and certain I’m being spoken ill of, which of course is hell, because my self-opinion is incredibly frail because I am, in fact, a rather entitled prima donna. Worse, I usually end up hitting up somebody from that job (who got promoted or started up a well-funded venture through sheer ass-kissing) for another job later on, and it’s so fucking soul-crushing it makes me almost glad I’m 44 and will be dead soon.

    I guess what I’m saying is been there, done that, no good advice to offer except that’s the nature of crap jobs: they’re crap. But they’re jobs, and that’s kind of a big deal. So it’s damned if you do, and vice versa.

    *veiled Keira Knightley reference

  11. truculentandunreliable 03.07.2011 at 23:46 #

    I’m just glad it’s not just me…

    Although I’m passive-aggressively belligerent, which is worse in some ways because I don’t have the spine just to be a straight up asshole. Instead, I just fuck off.

    I vascillate between wondering what the fuck is wrong with people and what the fuck is wrong with me. And I know there’s really nothing *wrong* with me (besides being prone to crying jags and being wicked cute), but, you know, I’m also not entitled to shit just because I’m awesome.

    I never wanted to be a secretary–it was never supposed to be a part of who I am, and I think there’s a biiiig part of me that’s resentful of that in addition to the “holy fuck, this shit is boring.”

  12. truculentandunreliable 03.07.2011 at 23:49 #

    I love that blog so damned much. It’s eerie how well that particular post reflects my life. My to do list often includes “Clean all the things!”

  13. Spengler 03.08.2011 at 00:42 #

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m also a pussy. My ‘belligerent’ is most people’s ‘moody.’

    This entire problem stems from living in an era in which we do work that isn’t related to survival or craft, in return for currency with which we can survive. It’s all kabuki.

  14. Larkspur 03.08.2011 at 01:09 #

    “…I never wanted to be a secretary–it was never supposed to be a part of who I am, and I think there’s a biiiig part of me that’s resentful of that in addition to the ‘holy fuck, this shit is boring’….”

    See, this part is crucial. There’s no way you can fail to resent what is essentially a bait-and-switch. A similar trick has been played on a lot of us. The only thing you can do is to try to focus on *whatever it takes to advance your own best interests*.

    Okay, now this is going to sound weird, and in fact I don’t mean it literally. I actually mean it in reverse. See, I used to have a running partner, and we’d meet every Saturday morning and hit the trails and run and talk. We were really different – her background was a big Roman Catholic family back in Ohio. Catholic kids are always kind of different. In my experience, they are often hilarious, in a ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you a freakin laff riot’ sort of way.

    Anyway, more times than I can count, we’d be a half-hour into our run, and she’d slow down and stop, take off one of her shoes, and shake out a pebble. Then she’d say something about how it had been bothering her since just after we started, but she’d been “giving it up for the pagan babies”. Yes. It was a Catholic thing. She reflexively endured discomfort because in some way (that makes no actual sense), her voluntary suffering eased the suffering of pagan babies.

    So what I’m saying is, what pebble can you remove from your shoe? Because you are the pagan baby AND the runner, and if there’s something you are carrying that you don’t absolutely have to carry, and if getting rid of it means you suffer less, then let’s do it. If there is any part of you that feels embarrassed about the secretarial aspect of your job, you need to assess whether you can live with that, at least for a while. Because if you can offload that bit of resentment and say “Fuck all of y’all: I rule! Without the Secretary you would shrivel up and die” then you might be able to neutralize one of the more debilitating effects of your job. Maybe you can offload more than resentment. Maybe there is something that’s especially onerous about your job that doesn’t strictly *have* to be done by you, but you are doing it because you’ve always done it and/or you’ve gotten too demoralized to figure out a workaround.

    Tomorrow I am going to read this and it will STILL MAKE SENSE TO ME. But I may have to rephrase it for the rest of the world. But you know I love you, yes?

  15. Another Kiwi 03.08.2011 at 02:01 #

    In 2001 my workplace dumped me. I had loved that job and everyone said I did it well. I was pretty smacked down by the experience but my wife was very supportive and our daughter was nice to be home with.
    After some months I got a job in a food preparation company and walked into a clusterfuck. My immediate supervisor had been one of three who had interviewed me and had not wanted me and in a low mental state I was fucking hopeless. Nothing worked out and I dreaded each and every minute there. I had anxiety attacks on the way to work, the fucking works. I managed to get out of the place earlier than my contract, just in time for my sanity, but it fucked me up for a long time.
    So that’s probably not much help to you T+U. All I can tell you is that that was the worst time in my working life but I got through. It will pass.
    Really, I think you are smart and brave enough to rise above this.
    FWIW, Finding an outlet for my creativity has been immeasurably helpful.

  16. Spengler 03.08.2011 at 02:17 #

    Larkspur, that was fuckin’ insightful as heck.

  17. truculentandunreliable 03.08.2011 at 11:05 #

    You guys are awesome.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m also a pussy. My ‘belligerent’ is most people’s ‘moody.’

    Heh, yeah, I’ll apologize for being cranky, and people will be like, “Wha? I thought you were just being quiet.”

    This entire problem stems from living in an era in which we do work that isn’t related to survival or craft, in return for currency with which we can survive. It’s all kabuki.

    Completely. And, you know, if other people are satisfied with that, that’s fine, but it’s really difficult for me to keep myself motivated. I’d say the majority of people aren’t that thrilled about it, though, even if they don’t realize it.

  18. truculentandunreliable 03.08.2011 at 11:49 #

    Larkspur–Awww, I love you, too! I have so many damned pebbles to remove from my shoes you’d think *I* was Catholic, and I don’t mean just at work.

    I’ve been trying to accept things as how they are, instead of how they “should” be. It’s a destructive way of thinking, and it tends to make things worse. I think your comment about the pebbles made me realize that along with the “should” is a lot of fucking guilt. A LOT.

    Let me see if I can make sense here, and this may be kind of flaky-sounding, but wev.

    I think my biggest problem has been (more globally, and not necessarily with regard to work) that I don’t share the values of the majority of people and the traditional barometers of what makes “success” and what a “good person” is are often things that I don’t value or even actively hate.

    I’ve also come to realize that my values (fuck conservatives for hijacking that word) are incredibly important to me to the extent that not only do I try to avoid going against them (of course, I do, because I’m human), but I also can’t find much enthusiasm for tasks that don’t actively support them. (Although maybe this is just another way of saying I’m lazy).

    But, you know, I still care about what people think of me, and the values of society are still something that influence me, especially since I’m still learning to trust my emotions and decision-making ability.

    So I try to force myself into doing something that doesn’t appeal to my values, or goes against them–for example, I value authenticity and individuality, and that is actively discouraged here. I can put on my game face and overcome that divide to do what’s needed for a period of time, but after a while, it causes me a lot of discomfort and eventually depression.

    I had dismissed a lot of my fucking off and general incompetency to me just being lazy, but I think it’s deeper than that (although lazy’s a problem, too. Nobody likes filing). I think, in a way, I was subconsciously trying to sound an alarm to say, “This is not a good environment for you to be happy and grow into the person you want to be,” even if my conscious mind believed that I was doing the right thing.

    Continuing on this path also results in me violating my values further, because I have to lie and kiss ass in order to keep going and, to some extent, shut off my empathy for other people and not give a fuck if I inconvenience them or not. (Or, at least, not give enough of a fuck to stop doing it).

    Which makes me even more miserable and paralyzed until I am simply a ball of guilt and INTERNET NOW AND FOREVER!

    So the solution isn’t to change myself (well, it is, but not the fundamental part of me that I view as myself), but to try and be more authentic with it.

    So. Light the incense. I need a joint.

  19. truculentandunreliable 03.08.2011 at 11:55 #

    Also, I maintain that this environment is pretty fucking toxic. Not the worst place I’ve ever worked, but not exactly conducive to my mental health, either.

    And, AK, I agree that an outlet for creativity helps tremendously.

    I’m sorry you had a job like that. I had something similar, and I think I may be carrying around a little work-related trauma from that job (and probably will from this job, too). People may think that sounds overdramatic, but they’re probably also people who have a better capability of compartmentalizing than I do.

  20. Spengler 03.08.2011 at 11:57 #

    This is why I fantasize about chucking it all and just living on twelve grand a year in a hut somewhere. In my mighty screed above, all I was really saying is, “I have spent my adult life selling out, and it never gets any easier.”

    So before you own a bunch of stuff and have all kinds of obligations is probably a good time to decide how you want to live.

  21. truculentandunreliable 03.08.2011 at 13:39 #

    Spengler, I think this is excellent advice. I suppose I should be glad that I’m a sensitive, delicate flower and picked up on my unhappiness now, rather than later.

    BTW, guess who left at 9:00 a.m. today?

    Guess who got crap for being out of sick leave?

    (HINT: NOT THE SAME PERSON).

  22. Spengler 03.08.2011 at 13:51 #

    O/T, I just realized the song ‘Tainted Love’ isn’t about somebody with a bulbocavernosus fetish.

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