It’s Happy Gruesome Baby Murder Time!!!

10 Feb

With your hosts:

Representative Trent "One Million Little Americans" Franks


Representative Mike "Planned Parenthood Fucked My Dog" Pence

Representative Steve "Cincinnati Fetii" Chabot

Representative Steve "Yeah, They Had to Print This Poster at Kinko's" King

Guest starring Richard “Statutory Rape is a Loophole” Doerflinger and Cathy “Serena Joy” Ruse…and some people who had the nerve to assert that women aren’t walking incubators.

Yesterday the House Judicial Subcommittee discussed the “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act.” And when I say “discussed,” I mean that some bombastic, non-womb having douchebags made fucking dehumanizing assertions about mean ladies who kill three-year-olds by stabbing them in the back of the head with pinking shears. Or something. Anyway, here are the crazytown highlights:

Representative Franks calls the meeting to order and immediately starts citing the Founding Fathers and Lincoln and shit. Because he’s an anti-choice conservative and that’s what they do. He discusses the tragic deaths of “one million little Americans.” For a second, I think he’s referring to his own personal Tubesock Holocaust, and I get a little queasy. In general, he acts like a sanctimonious prick, but that goes without saying.

Next the  representative of the Catholic Crime Syndicate, Richard Doerflinger, engages in some lovely victim-blaming by saying that if we had just given in to Stupak, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now! Oh, and abortion isn’t health care. I guess it’s, like, a fun activity like a picnic or putting together a Thomas Kinkade puzzle on the weekend with your grandparents.

Cathy Ruse is next up and talks about an anti-abortion nurse who had to put an aborted fetus back together again like some sort of macabre Humpty Dumpty and at this point I am calling BULLSHIT, but I suppose it could be possible…actually, no. I’m going to assume these people are liars until it’s proven otherwise.

We haven’t even gotten to the crazy part yet, kiddos.

Representative Spence spends his time ranting about Planned Parenthood and how they are making gazillions sucking on the federal government teat and how they lure underage girls into prostitution so that they’ll get pregnant and will come for abortions so that Planned Parenthood can make even more gazillions. It’s like abortion heroin, I guess. Seriously, I think this guy just has a hard-on for Lila Rose. (Representative Conyers later says something along the lines of, “I don’t know what the hell this guy’s problem is with Planned Parenthood. Maybe they laughed at his penis when he went in to get his chlamydia test.”)

Representative Chabot is just generally a douche, but you knew that already. He refers to fetii as “little boys and little girls,” which conjures the image of a six-year-old shooting out of a woman’s junk in my mind. Sick.

THEN OMG THE BEST PART. Representative Steve King starts going on and on about “dismemberment abortion” and even has a poster of it. (Did his office make that thing, or is there some sort of anti-abortion poster publishing company?) He starts describing the mythical procedure in detail–nobody told the poor guy that shit’s illegal anyway, apparently. Then he asks Sara Rosenbaum, lawyer and health policy analyst from George Washington University (she had testified previously about some boring-ass shit like how this bill would extend the reach of the IRS to new, insane lengths, including making the determination as to what constitutes rape and holy fuck it’d be a total mess and I thought Repubs hated the IRS) if she would be willing to witness a “dismemberment abortion.” Huh? She says she’s a lawyer and it doesn’t matter and he gets all weird and shit and says she wouldn’t even want the HEAR a recording of the of the ghoulish, gruesome procedure.

Because “abortion is icky” is apparently an argument. Yeah.  No shit. It’s a medical procedure. And you know what else is icky? CHILDBIRTH. I know it’s a miracle and all that shit, but I’m not even interested in seeing video of my own hypothetical child’s head slide out of my own real vadge like a greased-up cantaloupe, much less anyone else’s, so why anyone’s revulsion regarding what’s going on with another person’s  body even fucking matters, I do not know. At least abortion doesn’t involve pooping and peeing all over the place. Or episiotimies. *shudder*

All in all, it was an absolute joke. Luckily, we had Representatives Conyers, Nadler, Quigley, and Scott there kicking as much ass as possible. Nadler asked why the fuck tax money given to families who send their kids to religious school is called a “tax credit,” but tax money given to families to purchase health insurance which includes coverage of abortion is a “subsidy.” Of course, nobody could really answer, except to say, “Well, that’s just the way it is.”

I’d also like to note  that this hearing was a complete sausage party. There were two women–Serena Joy and Sara Rosenbaum. While Rosenbaum stood her ground and had some excellent points to make, she mostly talked about the logistical nightmare that this bill would pose. The only people there who were able to speak directly to issues of women’s rights were men.

This was the first subcommittee hearing of the 112th Congress, everyone. Apparently, the most important thing in this country is giving old farts with penises (presumably) the chance to pontificate about dirty sluts killing innocent young Americans. If I were cynical, I’d say that they’re just angry that women got to the bodies for their war machine first.

26 Responses to “It’s Happy Gruesome Baby Murder Time!!!”

  1. Iggy 02.10.2011 at 01:35 #

    Bah. Those fuckers are evil.

    Someone once told me if men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.

  2. M. Bouffant 02.10.2011 at 02:31 #

    I know it’s a miracle and all that shit

    Pet peeve: Not a damn “miracle” at all. (As you imply.) Not when there must be billions of births (If the insects are included, & who are we to leave them out?) daily. Just on this crummy planet.

    To be positive, it never hurts for these people to expose themselves for what they were, even if the process is sickening. (Like a child-birth video.)

    So it’s good you’re not cynical.

  3. Terrance H. 02.10.2011 at 04:03 #

    Maybe if the feminist cun*s would behave a bit more responsibly, we wouldn’t have to explain to your liberal idiots why abortion is in fact baby-murder, you fu**ing douche-bag.

  4. truculentandunreliable 02.10.2011 at 07:57 #

    Iggy–You fucking know it. I think assholes like these should at least be forced to wear those fake pregnant bellies for a few days–not that it’s even close to the same thing as being pregnant.

    Bouffant–Yeah, even if I believed in miracles, it’s not one. It’s along the line of “Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?”

  5. truculentandunreliable 02.10.2011 at 07:57 #

    My first troll! Yay! Abortion is like CATNIP for trolls.

    Thanks for sparing us from the full force of the words “cunt” and “fucking.”

    There are some things that are more obscene than bad words, friend, and plenty of them would occur if people like you had their way.

    And I’m always confused by “pro-life” “libertarians.” I thought you guys believed in as little government interference in people’s lives as possible. Maybe that only applies to the “right” people?

  6. Dragon-King Wangchuck 02.10.2011 at 08:32 #

    OMG! That gravatar is crazy awesome. Stephen Cobert must be weeping in jealous rage.

  7. Hysterical Woman 02.10.2011 at 10:32 #

    Serena Joy? Really?

  8. truculentandunreliable 02.10.2011 at 10:40 #

    HW–I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand what you mean. Are you offended by the comparison?

  9. Iggy 02.10.2011 at 12:30 #

    Maybe if the feminist cun*s would behave a bit more responsibly, we wouldn’t have to explain to your liberal idiots why abortion is in fact baby-murder, you fu**ing douche-bag.

    Maybe if libertarian dicks would pretend to care about personal liberty and less about what people do with their naughty bits we wouldn’t have to explain to you inconsistent douche bags the difference between a blastocyst and a baby.

    clump of cells /= baby.

    clump of cells < person

    You forced-birth fetishists are sick.

  10. B^4 02.10.2011 at 12:57 #

    Representative Spence spends his time ranting about Planned Parenthood and how they are making gazillions sucking on the federal government teat and how they lure underage girls into prostitution so that they’ll get pregnant and will come for abortions so that Planned Parenthood can make even more gazillions.

    Just like those eeeevil climate scientists are making gazillions of dollars by oppressing the poor petrochemical industry.

    And what’s up with that troll claiming to be a libertarian? Liberty- not fer chix!! And that eagle avatar is flirting with a Poe violation- if it weren’t for the eevil environmental wackos, the eagles would’ve gone extinct by now, bunghole.

  11. Whale Chowder 02.10.2011 at 14:40 #

    Liberty- not fer chix!!


    They’re still mad that Slimy Girlz got the vote. That made them all uppity and THEN they got the pill and OMG things got way out of whack and they thought their bodies were their own and THEN they even wanted to be paid like men! Would there be no end?!

    Abortion is their last chance to assert their dominance over teh womens. Abortion is their last stand. Well, that and religion. Abortion and religion are the male dominionists’ last stand. Well, those and money. Abortion, religion and money…

  12. Another Kiwi 02.10.2011 at 16:30 #

    You smacked it out of the park, T+U so one of them had to come here and say something in their butthurt confusion. Predictably it was supposed to shut you up because *swoon* it had SWEARING in it!!
    If these arsewipers would put half of their energy into prevention of unwanted pregnancies… they wouldn’t have anything to be on the teevee about. It would be nice if they would slime off back to the 13th Century

  13. stogoe 02.10.2011 at 16:58 #

    You know that jewelry commercial where the Man (who’s a soldier of some sort) has totally fallen down into the Uncanny Valley and you just want to cut off and/or blow up his robot head because it’s just too creepy to allow it to exist any longer? Steve King (R-IA) has the same dead robot eyes.

  14. smut clyde 02.10.2011 at 17:10 #

    Why is Trent Franks’ face melting? His right cheek looks like he has been sitting too close to the fire.

    Steve King has the kind of expression that you associate with restraining orders.

  15. truculentandunreliable 02.10.2011 at 17:45 #

    I don’t know why “bunghole” made me giggle so, but it did.

    AK–Apparently the dude didn’t read my post? I’ve been called a cunt before. I think I’ll live.

  16. B^4 02.10.2011 at 17:48 #

    The really pathetic thing about the troll is that he wants to be shocking and intimidating by using crude, misogynistic sexual slang, but he can’t bring himself to type the words out. It’s like the linguistic equivalent of premature ejaculation.

  17. truculentandunreliable 02.10.2011 at 17:56 #

    And stogoe–YES. That is it. I also thought that particular picture makes him look a little like Putin.

    B^4–It’s pretty cowardly–he can keep the moral high ground by saying he didn’t *really* call feminists “cunts,” but he can still call feminists cunts. I’m not impressed.

  18. zombie rotten mcdonald 02.10.2011 at 22:04 #

    It’s Happy Gruesome Baby Murder Time!!!

    Now don’t try blaming this one me.

    I mean, zombies are cannibalistic undead monsters and all, but we’re not REPUBLICANS.

  19. Interrobang 02.11.2011 at 00:08 #

    Steve King looks like something out of a Steve King (the other one) book…

  20. Terrance H. 02.11.2011 at 07:58 #

    Wow. You people are soooo incredibly stupid.

    I never thought so many morons could, or would, congregate in one spot…



  21. Larkspur 02.11.2011 at 10:44 #

    Welcome, Terrance! Clearly you have come to the right place.

  22. jim 02.11.2011 at 12:04 #

    Yeah, all you elitist lefty morons with your ridiculous POINTS & silly FACTS & disgusting ETHICS, all gathered together in one place … it’s f*ck*ng sickening!

    PS: Shoot an eagle for me too, Terrance!

  23. smut clyde 02.11.2011 at 15:36 #

    so many morons could, or would, congregate in one spot

    Welcome to the concept of an aggregator site.

  24. Another Kiwi 02.11.2011 at 22:28 #

    Yeah well I prefer the Tangograte to the Congagate. But in this flowing evening gown, how’m I going to argue.

  25. Adrienne 01.20.2014 at 14:23 #

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  1. Tweets that mention It’s Happy Gruesome Baby Murder Time!!! « Acoustic! Kitty! -- - 02.10.2011

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Katie, R. J. Sterling. R. J. Sterling said: "@truculent: It's Gruesome Baby Murder Time!!!; Right this second?! […]

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