It’s Happy Gruesome Baby Murder Time!!!

With your hosts:

Representative Trent "One Million Little Americans" Franks

Representative Mike "Planned Parenthood Fucked My Dog" Pence

Representative Steve "Cincinnati Fetii" Chabot

Representative Steve "Yeah, They Had to Print This Poster at Kinko's" King

Guest starring Richard “Statutory Rape is a Loophole” Doerflinger and Cathy “Serena Joy” Ruse…and some people who had the nerve to assert that women aren’t walking incubators.

Yesterday the House Judicial Subcommittee discussed the “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act.” And when I say “discussed,” I mean that some bombastic, non-womb having douchebags made fucking dehumanizing assertions about mean ladies who kill three-year-olds by stabbing them in the back of the head with pinking shears. Or something. Anyway, here are the crazytown highlights:

Representative Franks calls the meeting to order and immediately starts citing the Founding Fathers and Lincoln and shit. Because he’s an anti-choice conservative and that’s what they do. He discusses the tragic deaths of “one million little Americans.” For a second, I think he’s referring to his own personal Tubesock Holocaust, and I get a little queasy. In general, he acts like a sanctimonious prick, but that goes without saying.

Next the  representative of the Catholic Crime Syndicate, Richard Doerflinger, engages in some lovely victim-blaming by saying that if we had just given in to Stupak, we wouldn’t be in this mess right now! Oh, and abortion isn’t health care. I guess it’s, like, a fun activity like a picnic or putting together a Thomas Kinkade puzzle on the weekend with your grandparents.

Cathy Ruse is next up and talks about an anti-abortion nurse who had to put an aborted fetus back together again like some sort of macabre Humpty Dumpty and at this point I am calling BULLSHIT, but I suppose it could be possible…actually, no. I’m going to assume these people are liars until it’s proven otherwise.

We haven’t even gotten to the crazy part yet, kiddos.

Representative Spence spends his time ranting about Planned Parenthood and how they are making gazillions sucking on the federal government teat and how they lure underage girls into prostitution so that they’ll get pregnant and will come for abortions so that Planned Parenthood can make even more gazillions. It’s like abortion heroin, I guess. Seriously, I think this guy just has a hard-on for Lila Rose. (Representative Conyers later says something along the lines of, “I don’t know what the hell this guy’s problem is with Planned Parenthood. Maybe they laughed at his penis when he went in to get his chlamydia test.”)

Representative Chabot is just generally a douche, but you knew that already. He refers to fetii as “little boys and little girls,” which conjures the image of a six-year-old shooting out of a woman’s junk in my mind. Sick.

THEN OMG THE BEST PART. Representative Steve King starts going on and on about “dismemberment abortion” and even has a poster of it. (Did his office make that thing, or is there some sort of anti-abortion poster publishing company?) He starts describing the mythical procedure in detail–nobody told the poor guy that shit’s illegal anyway, apparently. Then he asks Sara Rosenbaum, lawyer and health policy analyst from George Washington University (she had testified previously about some boring-ass shit like how this bill would extend the reach of the IRS to new, insane lengths, including making the determination as to what constitutes rape and holy fuck it’d be a total mess and I thought Repubs hated the IRS) if she would be willing to witness a “dismemberment abortion.” Huh? She says she’s a lawyer and it doesn’t matter and he gets all weird and shit and says she wouldn’t even want the HEAR a recording of the of the ghoulish, gruesome procedure.

Because “abortion is icky” is apparently an argument. Yeah.  No shit. It’s a medical procedure. And you know what else is icky? CHILDBIRTH. I know it’s a miracle and all that shit, but I’m not even interested in seeing video of my own hypothetical child’s head slide out of my own real vadge like a greased-up cantaloupe, much less anyone else’s, so why anyone’s revulsion regarding what’s going on with another person’s  body even fucking matters, I do not know. At least abortion doesn’t involve pooping and peeing all over the place. Or episiotimies. *shudder*

All in all, it was an absolute joke. Luckily, we had Representatives Conyers, Nadler, Quigley, and Scott there kicking as much ass as possible. Nadler asked why the fuck tax money given to families who send their kids to religious school is called a “tax credit,” but tax money given to families to purchase health insurance which includes coverage of abortion is a “subsidy.” Of course, nobody could really answer, except to say, “Well, that’s just the way it is.”

I’d also like to note  that this hearing was a complete sausage party. There were two women–Serena Joy and Sara Rosenbaum. While Rosenbaum stood her ground and had some excellent points to make, she mostly talked about the logistical nightmare that this bill would pose. The only people there who were able to speak directly to issues of women’s rights were men.

This was the first subcommittee hearing of the 112th Congress, everyone. Apparently, the most important thing in this country is giving old farts with penises (presumably) the chance to pontificate about dirty sluts killing innocent young Americans. If I were cynical, I’d say that they’re just angry that women got to the bodies for their war machine first.

Tags: abortion, conservatives, politics